Re-Connect to Re-Connect

I was visiting a client the other day when she asked me if I thought one of the rooms in her home needed to be renovated. The question, which I get asked a lot, is no longer something that makes me scratch my head. Why? Because I’ve realized that familiarity can sometimes lead us to go on auto-pilot and stop seeing our surroundings or feeling whether we still like them or not. 

I’m reminded of the commercial that asks if you’ve gone “nose blind”, a reference to being so used to your home you can’t decipher (or no longer question) if it smells clean or not.  While it’s an attempt to be cheeky, I totally agree with the premise. We can actually take our homes for granted, stop seeing and appreciating them, and find ourselves so disconnected that we can’t feel each other anymore.

Homes and humans have a very symbiotic relationship and one I hold in highest regard because I know how impactful a home can be to our wellbeing. The home shelters us and provides protection and privacy from the outside world. Its walls absorb our celebrations and our sorrows and it can sometimes feel like the only safe haven in the universe. But, like any healthy relationship, our homes need to be nurtured, engaged and cared for in order to give us what we need in return.

When I work with clients, I am assessing the relationship they have to their surroundings. My design approach has always been more of a therapeutic one, so I guess you could liken it to a marriage counselor who tries to figure out, and then strengthen, the connection between a bonded pair. I’m interested in the level of engagement (physically, emotionally or energetically) that people have with their homes. Many times I see a space that’s been neglected, with rooms that have become nothing more than a shortcut to a favorite TV watching chair or to a surface that holds a laptop.

But the homes that feel the best are the ones that are seen and appreciated by their owners. Their rooms have purpose and interaction and you can actually get a sense of who lives there. They have a connection that is palpable and, in my experience, the owners seem calmer and more contented.

The principles for a good relationship with a home are the same as the ones needed for a healthy relationship between 2 people. First and foremost, it requites being present. Seeing, feeling, thinking, daydreaming and taking time to get to know one another is critical. You must be able to see the pitfalls and the potential and be realistic about your ability to handle them, or not. Some people get lucky and it’s kismet right away, but more times than not it is a relationship that is always a work in progress. And once we stop attending to the needs of our homes they stop attending to ours and we find we have nothing but walls and sticks of furniture.

But if we compliment it and bring it pretty things, we are rewarded with a comfortable nest, a protective lair, a nourishing home. 

Recently, a long time client of mine wrote to tell me how grateful she was to have done so.  Over the years she and her husband have really invested themselves, financially and emotionally, into making sure their home was a happy, balanced and vital part of their lives. Now, as she recuperates from a serious illness, it is her home that is providing safe haven. Now it finally gets to say thank you.

I have said before that the greatest compliment a guest can give me is that they are comfortable in my home and they can feel that it’s energy is an extension of my own. That doesn’t happen by accident. That happens because I interact with my home. I touch things, I put fresh flowers in rooms, even when there are no guests. And (at the risk of getting some eye rolls) I am always talking to it. We know that children, pets and plants thrive when we nurture and engage with them and wither when we don’t. I believe the home is no different. If you’re not feeling a connection then get creative. Give it some new paint, re-arrange the furniture or simply sit in a room and get reacquainted with it. Give it a piece of yourself and see how you benefit. 

You just might start to feel that spark again.